Just one more hour, I tell myself.
Even as the words formulate in my mind, I know they are a lie.
A lie that I have told myself over and over again. A lie that has time and time again resulted in sitting in a space in pain and trying to push through or pretend I am fine, that nothing is wrong. Because somehow this experience had become a norm. Pretending, feeling shame, self blame, and ignoring my inner voice had become my norm.
That was until I turned 36 years old and was diagnosed with an auto-immune disorder – an experience that resulted in waves of anger, understanding, and grief.
Coping With A Late Diagnosis
After my diagnosis, I was looking for a place to process the complex emotions and experience understanding. As an avid lover of musicals, I found that place in the music from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (one of my favorite TV shows). The show is a powerful conversation on mental health. In one song, the main character sings the line “For almost thirty years I knew something was wrong… fake it till you make it, that’s how I got by”. The song goes on to speak about the feeling of being seen when finally receiving a fitting diagnosis.
Misdiagnosis and Late Diagnosis – ADHD, Autism, and AuDHD
The words and message of the song from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend speaks to an entire generation of people who were misdiagnosed or late diagnosed with ADHD, Autism, or AuDHD. Who have searched for answers only to be ignored or misdiagnosed. Who knew that the answers and treatments were not meeting their needs. That was because the mental health community had gotten it wrong, especially for women.
The Neglect of Women In Mental Health
For years, the medical community has missed the signs in neurodivergent women and only focused on how the diagnosis presented in males. This focus can be attributed to many factors including, how women are gendered and socialized, and biases on how the diagnoses look or present. What we do know is there are generations of women who are now finding their voice and their diagnosis.
To break down this gender discrepancy- According to an article from UCLA “recent research shows that nearly 80% of autistic females are undiagnosed as of age 18.” ADHD women face a similar discrepancy in representation. The NIH reports “In childhood, the ratio of boys to girls with ADHD is about 3:1 whereas in adulthood it is closer to 1:1, suggesting that women and girls are underdiagnosed in childhood.” Adding to this, until the DSM 5 there was no AuDHD diagnosis. In fact, a dual diagnosis was limited. “The DSM-IV had specified that an Autism diagnosis is an exclusion criterion for ADHD, thereby limiting research of this common clinical co-occurrence.”
Could It Be Medical Gaslighting?
This miss has resulted in years of dysphoria from masking. Years of hearing the same lines –
- They are just a picky eater
- What a well behaved girl
- You are so forgetful
- She is a shy and quiet child
- You are so smart but just need to focus
- Don’t run round in circle, it’s not ladylike
You’ve spent years of not being seen or meetings with doctors who were quick to label you as anxious or depressed when there was something else going on. And you were right! There was more going on. And hey, maybe you were also depressed and anxious. Undiagnosed ADHD and/or Autism has been linked to low self-esteem, depression, or anxiety.
The Aftermath of Adult Onset or Late Diagnoses – ADHD, Autism, AuDHD, and More
Finally being diagnosed can be a life changing experience. Having answers is liberating and exciting. Then comes the crash and grief. Grief for the child who struggled with only themselves to blame. It may mean giving up a part of your old identity and changes in relationships as you learn to unmask. Even learning what it feels like to unmask can be exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time.
Then come the questions. Can I trust a doctor? They missed me the first time. Will they get me now? How can this benefit me when it has not worked in the past? What comes next?
Next Steps After Diagnosis
Before my diagnosis, I had a story in my head that my pain was my fault, and I never thought to question that narrative. Understanding what was wrong gave me a chance to retell so many of my life stories without the blame.
This is where therapy can help. Our internal narratives dictate our lives and sense of self. You can use therapy as a space to reexamine and reauthor moments from your life. Or start to ask questions such as- how do I start to share and communicate needs with my family?
Neurodivergent Affirming Therapist near Somerville, NJ
Navigating a new diagnosis or years of feeling misunderstood can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to do it alone. Therapy provides a compassionate space where you can reauthor your story, break free from self-blame, and learn to embrace your neurodivergent identity with confidence.
If you’re hesitant to start therapy, consider this: it’s an opportunity to explore how you’ve been shaped by years of masking, misdiagnosis, or being overlooked. Therapy isn’t about “fixing” you—it’s about helping you understand yourself better, process your experiences, and develop tools to communicate your needs with greater clarity and confidence.
Take the first step by reaching out to a neurodivergent affirming therapist near Somerville, NJ. You deserve support on this journey, and together, we can work towards clarity, self-acceptance, and a path that feels right for you.
Other Types Of Counseling in Branchburg, NJ at Brave Minds
While we specialize in working with neurodivergent individuals, Brave Minds provides a wide range of therapy services for children, teens, and adults. Our approach is rooted in helping clients overcome fears, anxieties, and painful experiences to live full, meaningful lives. Here are some of the other areas where we can help:
- Child Therapy: Addressing issues such as anxiety, selective mutism, trauma, grief, and phobias to restore joy and curiosity in your child’s life.
- Teen Therapy: Supporting adolescents in managing challenges like panic, anxiety, social phobia, self-esteem, identity struggles, and recovering from abuse or loss.
- Anxiety Treatment: Whether it’s lifelong worry, perfectionism, or anxiety triggered by major life changes, therapy can offer tools to manage stress and reclaim peace.
- Trauma & PTSD: We help individuals process and heal from both major and subtle traumas, including child sexual abuse, emotional abuse, bullying, and sudden loss.
- Food Allergy-Related Anxiety: Living with food allergies can create anxiety and fear, but we work with both children and adults to manage these feelings and live boldly.
- EMDR Therapy: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a proven therapy for processing trauma and moving forward with greater resilience.
If you or your loved one is facing challenges in any of these areas, we’re here to help. Reach out today and let’s start the journey toward healing together.
