We live in a capitalist society that is constantly telling us we need more. More video games, more name-brand clothes, more vacations to Disney World. Truthfully, we don’t need those things. What we really need is connection.
One of my favorite memories as a child is going for family bike rides around the neighborhood on warm summer nights. We lived about four blocks away from the Long Island Rail Road. My mom would sometimes invite my sister, brother, and me to walk to the station. We would greet my dad as he came home from work. We’d go back home and have dinner together. Then we’d hop on our bikes and ride around for a bit, maybe stopping for ice cream. It’s funny, I don’t really remember the tangible gifts I received for birthdays and holidays. However, I do remember the special time we spent together.
Before I Became a Child Therapist in Branchburg, NJ
Years ago, before my current role as a child therapist in Branchburg, NJ, I was a youth director at a Jesuit retreat house on Long Island. I remember taking a school bus to the retreat house with a group of students. A few parent chaperones from the parish were with us. I had a conversation with a mom that I have never forgotten. She was telling me that her middle-school-aged son had been upset with her because he felt she was working too much. Her response was, “Well, if you want all these things like video games and new sneakers, then I have to work”. It was clear she worked very hard for her son.
Seeing her there as a chaperone it was clear to me that being with her son was important. I kept reflecting that it was also clear that he really wanted more time with her. This is a conversation that comes to my mind frequently in my work providing child therapy in Branchburg, NJ.
“Connection is why we’re here. It gives meaning and purpose to our lives.” -Dr. Brene Brown
Why do I struggle to connect with family?
As a trauma scholar and child therapist in Branchburg, NJ, I have read heaps of research on brain development and the impacts disconnection can have on learning and socialization. Children who lack strong connections with parents or caregivers are at a higher risk of developing mood disorders, learning issues, and struggles with attachment. Advances in neuroscience can now use data to illuminate the impacts of trauma on child development.
Some parents find connecting with their kids difficult. Maybe they’re distracted with work. Or perhaps they don’t know what activity their child would be truly interested in. Honestly, maybe you’re just too exhausted to try to come up with something.
The truth is that special time looks different for every family. And you don’t need hours of free time that none of us have. Small bits of time can have more of an impact than you think!
How do I know if I’m spending enough time with my child?
Special time can be a whole family activity. Or you may choose to have special time with each of your children one-on-one. Dr. Jane Nelsen, creator of Positive Discipline recommends the following age guidelines for special time:
- 2-6 Years old: 10 minutes every day
- Read a story together, play a matching game
- 7-12 Years old: at least 30 minutes per week
- Example: Offer help with homework, play their favorite video game with them
- 13 and older: once a month
- Example: something your teen can’t resist! Maybe a mani/pedi, a round at the batting cages, or lunch at their favorite restaurant
Here are some other tips to make special time truly meaningful:
Here are some other tips to make special time truly meaningful:- Special time should be held sacred and without distraction, so keep the phones/tablets off and away!
- If your child is older and not super keen to spend special time with you, remind them how much you love them and enjoy just being around them. Explain this is an opportunity to keep the lines of communication open and to learn more about each other. You’d be surprised how much your kids will enjoy hearing about your own childhood antics and experiences!
- Take turns planning the special time activities. Set your kids up for success by letting them know the budgetary restraints. (This is especially important if you’re going somewhere with lots of temptation, such as a mall or one of NJ’s many famous boardwalks!)
What can we do to spend time together?
Here are some ideas for Special Time that are FREE:
- Read a story together
- Ask your child to show your their favorite YouTuber or TikTok creator
- Go on a nature walk
- Visit your local library. Many times local libraries will have free passes for museums
- Do a scavenger hunt
- Play a board game together
- Play one of their favorite video games together
- Learn more about each other with these fabulous conversation starters
Most of us live incredibly busy and stressful lives, so you may be thinking, “Yeah, this sounds great, but when am I supposed to do this between work, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, soccer practice, flag football games, and dance class!?!” This is when I like to remind people that the 40-hour work week was created when the majority of households had someone working in the home full time.
There is no such thing as the perfect parent
The expectations that society places on parents, and that parents then in turn place on themselves, are untenable. So much of joyful parenting rests on being able to let go of the notion of “the perfect parent”. We know there’s no such thing! All we can do is our best, and sometimes that means the laundry can wait. Remember that your laundry will always be there waiting for you, but your child won’t!
Another option is to combine special time with tasks and goals. For example, one of my summer goals is to work on getting into better shape. I love playing tennis and have not played for a while. I decided that this summer, I would take tennis lessons with my nephews. I’ll be getting exercise, my sister will be getting help with childcare, and my nephews and I will be creating lasting memories together.
Another fun memory from childhood is when I would stay home sick from school and watch “The Price is Right”. I dreamed of the day Rod Roddy would call my name to “Come on down!”. Need to get groceries? Maybe invite your child to come with you and then play a version of “The Price is Right” when you get back home. You can have them guess the price of items you bought and award a point to whoever gets closest, without going over, obviously.
In this example, you are getting a chore done, and spending special time with your child(ren) while also teaching them the value of money.
Focus On The Things That Matter
Steven Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, likened our busy lives to a jar filled with rocks, pebbles, and sand. The rocks represent the things most important to us: our families, friends, health, etc. The pebbles represent things that are also important, but usually not critical. These can include work, school, hobbies, and social obligations. Finally, the sand represents the small things that don’t really matter that much. Things like gossip, time with people who do not bring us joy, and anything that no longer serves us.
Covey demonstrates that if we choose to first fill our jars with sand, we typically run out of room for the important things. But, if we place the important things first, generally we can fit everything. By incorporating special time into your routines, you are strengthening the bond with you and your child, while also modeling the importance of self-care and slowing down.
Special time can be one-on-one, and it can also be for the whole family. Indeed, one of the best and most effective tools I have seen families utilize is weekly family meetings.
Have You Considered Child and Adolescent Counseling in Branchburg, NJ?
As parents, we all strive to make the most of our time with our children, creating memories and fostering strong, loving relationships. However, it’s important to recognize that sometimes our kids may need a bit more support, especially when facing challenges that are beyond the scope of what special time can address.
If you ever notice that your child seems to be struggling with their emotions or facing difficulties that aren’t easily resolved, consider the benefits of counseling. Counseling for kids can provide them with a safe space to express their feelings, develop coping strategies, and gain the tools they need to navigate life’s ups and downs.
Remember, seeking additional support is a sign of strength and a testament to your dedication as a parent. Just as we cherish the moments we spend together, let’s also ensure our children have all the resources they need to thrive.
Start Child Therapy in Branchburg, NJ
The process of starting therapy comes with many questions. Our team of therapists would be happy to help you better understand the benefits of child therapy, and decide the best course of action for your child. We offer in-person and online therapy services from our NJ-based practice. To start your therapy journey, please call us at 908-224-7727 or follow these simple steps:
- Contact Brave Minds Psychological Services for a free consultation
- Meet with a caring therapist
- Get the family support you deserve
Other Services Offered by Brave Minds Psychological Services
Child therapy isn’t the only service offered at Brave Minds Psychological Services. Other services offered include child sexual abuse therapy and food allergy therapy. For teens, we provide anxiety treatment for teens, and teen social phobia therapy. We also specialize in adult anxiety counseling, postpartum counseling, birth trauma therapy, and sexual assault counseling for adults. Other offerings include online therapy, group therapy, couples counseling, and counseling for parents.
Furthermore, we also have a blog where we write about multiple mental health subjects. If you’re interested in learning more about us here at Brave Minds Psychological Services, please reach out at our Scotch Plains and Branchburg counseling offices!