There are few things in life that have as much power to reshape our entire world quite like a cancer diagnosis. This is especially true when it strikes the people we love and care about most. In the US, a recent CBS News poll suggested that 54% of respondents have had or have had someone in their immediate family diagnosed with cancer.
Caregiving and Cancer
I, like most Americans, have learned firsthand just how impactful cancer can be, having lost both family members and a close personal friend to terminal cancer.
Each diagnosis hit like a tidal wave.
Although some losses were expected, every diagnosis and subsequent loss left me grappling with intense feelings of helplessness, fear, anger and overwhelming sadness. Because although grief itself is never straightforward, coping with impending loss, or what we call anticipatory grief can be even trickier. And no matter how many times you face it, it never gets less messy.
I want to share the lessons I’ve learned from both my personal and professional experiences. Specifically, how we can start to manage and process the emotional upheaval that comes with such devastating news. Everyone’s journey through grief is unique and deeply personal. However, I hope these reflections can provide understanding and a little solace. Maybe even guidance for those finding themselves in similar boats navigating the rough and uncharted waters of a loved one’s cancer diagnosis.
Understanding Emotional Turmoil: Responding to a Loved One’s Diagnosis
As we face the shock of a cancer diagnosis within our family or circle of friends, our emotional responses can be varied and complex. Our initial reactions can range from disbelief, to anger, to numbness. Our reactions can be influenced by a number of factors such as:
- Our age
- Our personality
- Current life circumstances
- Our relationship with the person
- Cultural and religious backgrounds
- Any previous experiences with death or loss
Because of these factors, there is no “right’ or “wrong” way to feel. It is much more likely that we will all feel a unique mix of emotions with intensities that may also vary.
I felt differently with each diagnosis. I learned that it is okay to feel a variety of emotions, often all at once. In fact, I learned that coping wasn’t about controlling the emotional chaos, as much as it was learning to ride the very choppy waves. It became about coping with the fear and uncertainty, as well as accepting that there would be many unknown aspects of the diagnosis and prognosis.
Caregivers and Emotional Health
I’m sure you’ve heard the age-old adage, “you can’t pour from an empty cup”. Setting healthy boundaries means finding a balance between caregiving and your personal well being to help avoid burnout. This is easier said than done, especially because one of the most common emotional reactions is guilt. We want to be there for our sick loved one, and spend as much time as we can with them. But it is also important to recognize what our limitations are.
This is no doubt a highly emotionally taxing time. And whether we want to admit it or not, it drains us. How are we then filling our cups? What does self-care and perhaps more importantly, self-compassion look like for us? Being self-compassionate means being mindful of our feelings and needs, and giving ourselves a break and cutting ourselves some slack without being judgemental or critical. Are we being supported? It is also important not to isolate and withdraw from others. Staying connected with friends and family, or finding support groups within the community can help prevent isolation.
Coping With Your Own Grief and Fear
One of the most helpful things I’ve learned about coping with grief is seeking support. Talking to trusted friends, and family members about your thoughts and feelings can be so helpful. If you worry about friends or family members “not getting it”, a therapist or a support group for others experiencing similar losses can be so validating.
Community and Connection: Staying Supported During Difficult Times
Community during grief is important. While alone time can allow you space and time to think, feel, and process, isolation and withdrawal can make these feelings worse. Try to balance solitude with moments of support and connection. It’s okay to be scared- but speaking about your fears can diminish their intensity and help you to process them.
The Emotional Tug-of-War of Grief
Grief can be powerful and overwhelming, especially when we are trying to cope with impending loss. It can feel like a tug-of-war pulling us from the past to the future. We might be reflecting on old memories, both happy and sad, or we might be thinking ahead to future life events or holidays and wondering what life will be like without our loved ones. Both of these prevent us from being in the present.
Mindfulness Techniques to Stay Present Amidst Grief
Grounding yourself in the here and now can help reduce those feelings of overwhelm and fears of the future. Mindfulness exercises can serve as an anchor for us. I encourage you to focus on small, meaningful moments of connection with your loved one if and when possible. When that isn’t possible, deep breathing techniques, guided meditations, and expressing moments of gratitude can all be helpful tools to ground us.
Cherishing Moments: Embracing Connection and Presence
Preparing for the loss can look different for everyone. If possible, spend quality time with your loved one. One of the lessons I learned through grief was to prioritize presence over perfection. There is no such thing as perfect, and this is especially true with grief. Small, meaningful moments, like sharing a meal, holding their hands, or reminiscing can be deeply fulfilling for the both of you. If possible, share your love and appreciation with them, allowing you to create memories that will last and bring comfort after they have passed.
Facing the Fear of the Unknown
Fear of the unknown can be paralyzing. At our core, we are wired to seek patterns and predictability- it’s what helps us feel safe. We are creatures of habit, and the unknown is an indication that the familiar is being disrupted, and therefore feels unsafe. Psychologically, fear of the unknown can stem from a lack of control, or the inability to envision future outcomes. This fear can trigger feelings of vulnerability, and in the absence of certainty and control, we lose our sense of agency and can feel powerless. In the context of anticipatory grief, it can lead to dread about how you’ll cope emotionally or what life will look like after the loss.
Empowering Yourself Against Fear
So what can we do with the fear of the unknown? Acknowledge and validate yourself. We need to remind ourselves that it’s okay to feel scared. Fear has often been thought of as a weakness. But fear doesn’t make you weak- it makes you human. Acknowledging and labeling your fear can help reduce its intensity. Since fear of the unknown can stem from losing control, I invite you to focus instead on what you can control. Shifting your focus to actions and decisions that are within your power can help to restore that sense of agency that the unknown takes away. Accepting that we cannot control everything can help us learn to tolerate uncertainty by reducing resistance and fear. With anticipatory grief, we cannot change the outcome, but you can control how you care for yourself during this time.
Signs That You May Benefit From Grief Counseling In NJ
If feelings of hopelessness or anxiety become overwhelming, consulting a grief therapist could help. Grief therapy provides tools to help you cope with fear, anxiety, and grief. Grief counseling can help you process complex emotions and foster resilience.
Processing a terminal diagnosis, or coping with anticipatory grief is not about letting go too soon. It’s about your heart and brain coming together to prepare yourself for the inevitable, while cherishing the time you have. Take things one day at a time, and ask for help when you need it. It’s okay not to have everything figured out, practice self-compassion and acknowledge that to be human, and to grieve, is to experience a wide range of emotions.
Supporting Your Loved One with Cancer in NJ?
At Brave Minds Psychological Services, we’re here to support you and your loved ones through every challenge. Whether you’re dealing with anxiety, trauma, or needing guidance as you support a loved one with cancer, our team is ready to help. Visit our Connect Now page to learn more about how we can help. You can fill out our contact form, or if you prefer, give us a call. We’re here to provide the care and support you need to weather any storm, right here in New Jersey.
Start Grief Counseling in Westfield, FL, Branchburg, Scotch Plains, and Across the State
At Brave Minds Psychological Services, we offer compassionate grief counseling to help you navigate the complexities of loss. Whether you are mourning the loss of a loved one, grappling with anticipatory grief, or facing life transitions that bring about feelings of loss, our specialized therapists are here to support you. Learn more about our approach to healing and recovery by visiting our Grief Counseling page. Let us help you find a path to healing and acceptance through personalized support and dedicated care. Start your therapy journey by following these simple steps:
- Connect with Brave Minds Psychological Services.
- Get your questions answered in a free phone consultation call with one of our compassionate therapists.
- Get the support you need to cope with your grief!
Other Services Offered with Brave Minds Psychological Services
Grief therapy is not the only service we offer from our Scotch Plains and Branchburg, NJ-based therapy practice. Other services offered include online therapy, trauma therapy, anxiety treatment for children, child sexual abuse therapy, anxiety treatment for teens, teen social phobia therapy, adult anxiety counseling, couples counseling, counseling for parents, postpartum counseling, birth trauma therapy, sexual assault counseling for adults, and food allergy therapy.
